I am just your neighbor, and a liar

The posture is what I look for. And the broad shoulders and leather jacket. Its a past tense and a pretense. Im not sure what purpose it serves. But I look.

And I know I said I wouldn't crawl but Im crawling. My friends can see it in my eyes. They know more than I do, and I was left speechless for the first time in my life. The first sign is the dropping out of the floor. The second sign is the gifts. The third sign is the doors left open and the end will be the doors slamming shut.

Im a human and a machine in one creating and producing mechanical love for the ones who deserve it. But the reality is so much sweeter when it hits you. Underneath I am pure human. ready and willing. So kick it and punch it. It's there underneath. 

echo chorus

Does anyone else think its weird that.. say.. for example.. I could be in north adams Mass. And even though Dover NH is only.. lets say 150 miles away, give or take.. I cant see it. HOWEVER. STARS.. are like forever away. And I can totally see them.

I was sitting on the (very warm) hood of my car talking on the phone the other night, thinking this exact thing, when a star flew across the sky right over my head. Coincidence? Divine intervention? Poor vision? I don't know. It was cool though.

Another thing Id like to offer up as something maybe everyone deals with, and maybe they dont, is trust issues? Anyone? Because I have them majorly. And I don't know where they come from. My problem I think is that 99% of the population is willing to "stretch the truth" to better suit the out come of a conversation that they WANT to see. Now to me.. truth is truth. Any sort of variation is not. In addition I don't see "accidentally leaving something out" or trying to cover anything up as any sort of truth. Furthermore, when you do, see, say, or think something that makes you nervous and you react by doing ANYTHING shady. That's not truth. That's not honesty.

The scariest thing to me is that people have begun confusing themselves. As in, yes, it is okay to not make a big deal out of things that are not a big deal. But. and this is a big but. Its still important to be honest and open about it. Even the smallest things. And once you are honest and open about them, it is for someone else to decide if its a big deal or not. Because believe it or not.. it's not all about you.

disclaimer:
okay and this does not go out to everyone or anyone for that matter. It's a general statement of a consensus judgement I have made recently regarding the state of people on a social level.

A way of writing

Dover is a strange place to be. I love it and hate it, and can't ever seem to explain either to anyone. Im in a spot where I need to figure out a next step in a million different ways all at once. All I can seem to worry about is everyone but myself. This comes across as a big deal. As if I am some sort of saint caring only what other people feel.

Not the case.

What the reality is, is that on top of not knowing at all how to make myself happy, I only WORRY about how other people feel, and very rarely DO anything about it. Not that I wouldn't if given the chance. There is usually not much I CAN do. However, the thing that keeps sneaking up on me is that (although I do not know what I do want) I know what I don't want. And I always make sure that's not happening.

I know how to steer away, what I dont know is where TO steer. Wrong directions are plaguing me to no end and I cant trust myself or anyone else to tell me where to go. What does need to happen is that I need to get comfortable with myself and my place. Start doing something good for myself that makes me feel right and happy and strong. After that I need to rebuild my relationships with people, and regain trust, and closeness with people I have drifted from, along with others who have recently entered my life. What happens after that is the part I dont care about. So long as I am content with myself when I fall asleep at night, and am satisfied that I am putting forth and receiving some form of love and trust in this world, Im going to be happy.


I've been watching a lot of john lydon interviews on youtube. There was one where this guy asked him what exactly it was that he thought he had and he said "the hippies call it freedom, but there's got to be a better word for it than that."

....totally.

trash

Back in northampton for one week. It's strange to be back here after two weeks away. My apartment feels that much more "mine". Sometimes I forget how uncomfortable it can get for me to bounce around in places where I am not surrounded by my own things. My things represent a lot to me. Also, my alocasia plant grew another sprout. It's trying so hard.

It keeps raining. but the rain comes in and goes out really awkwardly. Like it will thunder and get really dark but not rain. Or it will start pouring like I have never seen all of the sudden and then stop after three minutes. But no rainbows. Thats okay.

I fixed my tail light. It was just a fuse. I kept blowing the fuse on my radio because it is attached to the same fuse as my cigarette lighter, which keeps shorting it out for some reason. So I would just take the fuses for other things and put them in for my radio (obviously way more important than tail lights.) I finally bought some extra fuses and popped them in. Good as new. Now I just have to fix the heater core, front breaks, idol, and exhaust.

I really like my friends.

Shallow lakes coated with thin ice.

"What do you think of war?"
"There's nothing wrong with war" I said.
"Oh, yeah? Yeah?"
"Yeah. when you get into a taxi, that's war. When you buy a loaf of bread, that's war. When you buy a whore, that's war. Sometimes I need bread, taxis and whores."
"Hey you guys," said the man, "here's a guy who likes war"
Another guy came down to the end of the bar. He was dressed like the others. "You like war?"
"There's nothing wrong with it; it's a natural extension of our society."
"How many years you been in?"
"None."
"Where you from?"
"L.A."
"Well, I lost my best buddy to a land mine. BAM! And he was gone."
"But for the grace of God it might have been you"
"Don't get funny."
"I've been drinking. Got a light?"

og

Most days like this call for resilience, but some call for a break down. There are some people who have no where to turn, and then there are some who just do not want to. Afraid to turn the corner, turn the page, turn around and go back.

A new blog is exciting to me right now, because I have absolutely too much stuff swimming around in my head, and I am a faster typer than a scribe. Ready, set, go.

Words that end in "og" are always gross sounding.