echo chorus

Does anyone else think its weird that.. say.. for example.. I could be in north adams Mass. And even though Dover NH is only.. lets say 150 miles away, give or take.. I cant see it. HOWEVER. STARS.. are like forever away. And I can totally see them.

I was sitting on the (very warm) hood of my car talking on the phone the other night, thinking this exact thing, when a star flew across the sky right over my head. Coincidence? Divine intervention? Poor vision? I don't know. It was cool though.

Another thing Id like to offer up as something maybe everyone deals with, and maybe they dont, is trust issues? Anyone? Because I have them majorly. And I don't know where they come from. My problem I think is that 99% of the population is willing to "stretch the truth" to better suit the out come of a conversation that they WANT to see. Now to me.. truth is truth. Any sort of variation is not. In addition I don't see "accidentally leaving something out" or trying to cover anything up as any sort of truth. Furthermore, when you do, see, say, or think something that makes you nervous and you react by doing ANYTHING shady. That's not truth. That's not honesty.

The scariest thing to me is that people have begun confusing themselves. As in, yes, it is okay to not make a big deal out of things that are not a big deal. But. and this is a big but. Its still important to be honest and open about it. Even the smallest things. And once you are honest and open about them, it is for someone else to decide if its a big deal or not. Because believe it or not.. it's not all about you.

disclaimer:
okay and this does not go out to everyone or anyone for that matter. It's a general statement of a consensus judgement I have made recently regarding the state of people on a social level.

A way of writing

Dover is a strange place to be. I love it and hate it, and can't ever seem to explain either to anyone. Im in a spot where I need to figure out a next step in a million different ways all at once. All I can seem to worry about is everyone but myself. This comes across as a big deal. As if I am some sort of saint caring only what other people feel.

Not the case.

What the reality is, is that on top of not knowing at all how to make myself happy, I only WORRY about how other people feel, and very rarely DO anything about it. Not that I wouldn't if given the chance. There is usually not much I CAN do. However, the thing that keeps sneaking up on me is that (although I do not know what I do want) I know what I don't want. And I always make sure that's not happening.

I know how to steer away, what I dont know is where TO steer. Wrong directions are plaguing me to no end and I cant trust myself or anyone else to tell me where to go. What does need to happen is that I need to get comfortable with myself and my place. Start doing something good for myself that makes me feel right and happy and strong. After that I need to rebuild my relationships with people, and regain trust, and closeness with people I have drifted from, along with others who have recently entered my life. What happens after that is the part I dont care about. So long as I am content with myself when I fall asleep at night, and am satisfied that I am putting forth and receiving some form of love and trust in this world, Im going to be happy.


I've been watching a lot of john lydon interviews on youtube. There was one where this guy asked him what exactly it was that he thought he had and he said "the hippies call it freedom, but there's got to be a better word for it than that."

....totally.